give my nose a pair of nikes!

I did a lot of running my pre-police academy days, but now I leave it all up to my nose. It's a good runner. It runs every day. Sometimes several times a day. I have always hated running, but my nose is apparently high on the endorphins it gets from all this running. I'm trying to walk gracefully through my workday, but the furious pace my nose sets makes it difficult to keep up with the Kleenex. You can only greet so many coworkers with that glistening snot moustache on your upper lip before something drastic must be done.

I'm calling Nike. This could be revolutionary -- just imagine! An aerodynamic, swoosh-designed device to help noses run more efficiently with less strain, some Jordan-endorsed way to maximize my nose's workout with minimal effort. Sturdy enough for long workouts, stylish enough for late evenings.

Nike Facial Tissue. Just blow it.